Choices

I have this problem which I’ve been fighting for years. I have this bad habit of putting on a mask with a smile, not so much to prevent others from seeing my emotions, how I’m feeling, protecting myself, or any of the other more common reasons. I do it because I really don’t want for others to worry about me.

I’ve been so strong for so long, I often feel if I let another in to know how or what I’m feeling, I would be unnecessarily burdening them with issues they don’t need on their plates as well. It is an unfortunate, yet obvious, double bladed knife as it leaves me in a position of feeling completely alone in any trials or struggles I’m facing.

I know I’m not alone because I always have God, but there are times when I’d love to ask for prayer, but don’t want others to worry…even though I know the more prayers going up by honest to goodness prayer warriors would be awesome.

So that’s a face, a choice, I consciously use daily. With my family, friends, when I was still employed, most of my coworkers. 

And I have realized lately how that is an act of omission, which, in turn, is a lie. I do my best to be as honest as humanly possible, but to realize how much I have been dishonest has a hold on my heart which only He can remove.

It is a choice to awaken each day with a positive and prayerful outlook on the day, or with a negative and fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants outlook. It is a choice to prioritize you life or to live within the reigns of chaos. It is a choice to have faith and live by that faith just as it is a choice to have no spiritual compass at all.

And as I type this, I also have the choice to stay on my path and keep my eyes focused on what He has planned for me. This means I need to stop with the masks, I need to stop with the excuses, and I need to push through regardless, because I don’t know how much time I have left.

Since having this Spirit led realization, it made it crystal clear about how I truly haven’t really been following anything well. I have become lax in nearly all I do. I have lost my flame and now have only  few flickers of it remaining. Thankfully, I haven’t allowed it to go out completely as it’s much easier to fan a flame to make it larger than to start fresh.

It’s truly a great idea to write down, with date, prayers. especially when you’re asking for Him to do a work in you rather than in another, and when you’re truly sincere about it. Then, just wait. If you truly meant the request and have been following through in your actions along with drawing closer to Him by delving in His Word, it is much easier to actually *hear* what He wants us to *listen* to.

And it is currently my choice to get off this thing and catch upp on some of my reading, as I’m falling a bit behind.

Until then, Be Blessed!

~ J

❤ ❤ ❤

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Back home in Vermont

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I can’t believe it’s been a month already! I am so sorry for having been away for so long, but unfortunately, I was having computer and wifi issues. I am currently up in Vermont on vacation…by myself! The kids didn’t want to have to unplug while being up here, so they chose to stay home, and their father is staying with them.

This trip truly has been amazing so far. I’ve been up here for about 10 days and plan to be up here for another 8. While I do miss my kiddos, I haven’t had to deal with any symptoms since being up here, which is always a good thing. I have been able to visit with both family, and this time, more friends than the usual one or two I meet up with while visiting.

I would love to say it’s been gorgeous out every day, because we have been experiencing quite a few storms lately. Some of them just appear out of nowhere, like the one last night, whereas the one the previous night had wind gusts of up to 60mph which caused some power brown-outs and brief outages in addition to fallen limbs and trees. What was nice about both is they lasted no more than an hour or two and cooled off the weather significantly in addition to decreasing the humidity.

It’s been nice though. I’ve never sofa surfed as I have this trip, and it’s wonderful! I literally came up here with $30, some non-perishables, my Herbalife, and a full tank of gas. Being able to have the time to visit with my friends and family for longer than just a quick 30 minutes has been glorious. I’ve been able to reach within and get myself back to being closer to Him, and to do some further soul searching, in addition to improving my health, even if only temporary.

edited_IMG_20160712_090246222_HDRMy great-nephew <8 weeks

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Prepared for anything…IMG_20160709_123108IMG_20160709_123152IMG_20160710_162308

ex-boyfriend, Rob, but still a great friend!IMG_20160710_192206

L – R: Niece Briana, Nephew Tommy, myself, and younger sister ShannaSnapchat-491294056949549364

Myself and My oldest niece, Ashleigh, who is also Mrs Vt International, 2015Snapchat-1385296201752309185

My brother in law, Steve. Also Ashleigh’s father and Astella & Rhoswen’s grandfather.

So this has been a fun trip. It’s nearly done, and once I’ve arrived back to Mass, I’m sure I’ll have plenty more pictures to share and upload. This truly has been such an amazing time for me. I haven’t been this relaxed in I honestly don’t remember how long. It’s been so wonderful to be able to visit with family and friends and not having to worry about whether or not I have to leave sooner rather than later because the children were bored. That’s not to say I don’t miss them, because I most certainly do, but I’ve been able to partake in more activities this time around and it has been wonderful.

Well, Since I am borrowing wifi at the moment, I should really start packing up and get moving to my next destination.

Be blessed! Thank you for being so patient in waiting for this post. ❤ ❤ ❤

Father’s Day

To all the Father’s, Dad’s, Daddy’s, Dada’s, Single Mother’s, Grandparents or other family members filling in that position, I hope that your day has been filled with blessings and you’ve been abounded with joy, laughter, and love.

But not everyone looks at this holiday, or day of recognition, as one of happiness and love. Not everyone has a family who could wish them a Happy Father’s Day or be able to spend the day with them. I took this into consideration on my walk this morning.

Something I’ve been trying to do in helping with the added weight from the prescriptions, is by really keeping active and doing at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. In the past two weeks, yesterday, I have lost 4.1 pounds. I still have at least another 15 to reach my goal, but I’m really more concerned with toning up, eating healthy and frequently, drinking plenty of water, and liking what I see in the mirror or how my clothes are fitting, rather than any numbers showing on the scale.

So on this walk, any male who I happened to pass by, or who had driven by, or whatever, I wished a Happy Father’s Day to them. All said thank you, except the one who may not have heard me as well. The last two really stood out in my mind.

Second to last man was walking to his vehicle. I wished him the Happy Father’s Day, and the way he responded sort of through me for a bit. He asked how I knew he was a father. At this time I told him that I truly didn’t know, but I wasn’t going to take the chance of him being one, but perhaps doesn’t have anyone to say it to him, or to spend with. That one never knows what anyone else is really going through, and so I just wanted him to know that someone was thinking about him.

The amount of gratitude and generosity in his thanks was humbling to me. He said it meant a lot to him, and I was so blessed to be able to do that for someone…A complete stranger in fact. I wished him a blessed and joyous remainder of his day and we waved good-bye and I continued on the remainder of my walk.

The next and last gentleman I spoke with was right around the corner. I wished him his Happy Father’s Day, and again, I was thanked generously. We spoke briefly about how beautiful a day it was out, and after a short bit, he thanked me for taking the time to converse with him.

I truly wasn’t doing anything grandiose or anything. I was taking my walk to better my health and mood (because exercise gives off endorphins which makes happiness), and was so blessed just by doing for some that I would want for others, myself included.

What is one simple act of kindness, such as pushing past your comfort zone of agoraphobia, you can do for others? That simple act can seriously multiply blessings not just to yourself and the ones you’re doing the kindness to, but it’s very possible it will point them in the direction to pay it forward.

Be blessed and joyous knowing you are loved beyond any condition.

~J

To Script or Not

I try to avoid prescription chemical medications for many reasons, most importantly is because the affects of the side effects are worse for me than what the script is being used to treat for. I have many different health issues, which one may not guess to look at me, because most of them are ones that don’t always show externally.

And let’s not forget trying to remember following the detailed instructions in taking the script so as to avoid the side effects as much as possible, especially those rare side effects.

Which I happen to quite frequently fall into.

So, I eventually became my own personal advocate for my health and stopped lining the pharmaceuticals wallets with our hard-earned finances.

Since then I have researched a lot. I began making simple changes in my family’s nutrition. I had bloodwork done along with fasting. I abstained and slowly reintroduced options of things I was told I had allergens to. Oddly enough, most of my allergens were to healthy foods I loved!

So, I swapped out to organic and began the slow acclimation process.

But I also knew it was more than that. My size was out of control. Not even taking BMI into account, I was at that point teetering the line of morbid obesity. 4’11” and stuck at 145-150#. I saw a nutritionist, who let me know I was headed in the right direction, but I was lacking in nutrients.

I knew something that has worked in the past, so I immediately began saving up by using extra coupons, finding better deals, anything I saved from doing things like that, I put aside.

And I finally got it. Within 36-48 hours of beginning my program, I felt to be a completely different person… I was actually able to get out of bed and move within 4 hours of waking up!!!

Since then, I was able to lose over 35# and over 10 feet of fat from my body.

Then I began getting sick again. And any of my supplements or other natural and holistic weren’t helping out with some of the problems I was having. I was put on steroids, which caused me to gain 20# back, that I had kept off for over 3 years. I then had surgery, which kept me out of work and in bed. This caused me to gain an additional 10#. I was able to lose that and had finally gotten back down to less than 10# of where I was able to stay for the previous 3 years.

Unfortunately, the illness was brought on by a combination of things. Coworkers coming into work when they were contagious, improper sterilization/cleaning of shared equipement…having an already compromised immune system, it was not a healthy situation for me. What also came with this though was situations at work which became extremely stressful, causing me to acquire new illnesses…

I have faith and belief He will get me through this as He always provides for His children. If I don’t get what I think I should be, it only means He has something even better or greater in mind for me. This helps to alleviate some upset I may have because of expecting things to go my way, as if I’m God and He isn’t.

I know everything I go through in this life is for His glory. I only want to do the best I can to be the person He created me to be. I believe all the things which have happened to me in my life He has allowed because He knew it would help to strengthen me as well as He knew I would be able to not only learn, but to help others.

And that’s what it’s really about, right? At least this is something I need to be better at remembering. Sickness is as a result of the sin in the world. Everyone is dealing with something that no one knows nothing about. Be kind always. Try putting yourself in their shoes. Try to imagine what their life may be like.

I’ve found, usually the ones who are more watchers than doers when it comes to interactions with others, are the ones who are struggling with some deep thoughts and possibly demons. Show a caring hand by reaching out to them. See if there’s anything you can do to help, perhaps not by asking, because chances are they fear requesting help for rejection, but by listening, by watching, by being in the moments with them. See how they live.

Now, as far as the prescriptions go, I will do my best to do as I’m told, however, I will also be doing my own research and finding other more natural ways to hopefully deal with what is going on.

In the meantime, I get to begin the mental preparation of leaving the house in the morning for a couple of hours, and being around other people…I should probably not think about it so much so as to perhaps alleviate the stress and anxiety of it.

I truly hope and pray everyone had a blessed Memorial Day and realize the true meaning behind the holiday, and it’s not for the BBQ’s…

Be blessed knowing He loves and cares about you no matter what you’ve done. You just need to ask Him back into your life and for His strength to get you there.

~J