This post is to hopefully raise awareness about this. I am not in any way trying to put down, or hurt any feelings. This is how I went from an abusive marriage to my life today…cliff notes version.
It does have to do with the fall of the American Family. I’m not going to get into my thoughts on why it has happened, just that it has, and how it’s affecting the children who are then becoming adults.
I, myself, am at a loss for words with regard to the justice system. I was very blessed to be a stay at home mother for most of my marriage. It was only once all three children were in school full-time that I began to look for means of helping with the financial support of the household. While my ex made fairly good money, we didn’t live beyond our means, as I tried to keep costs very minimal, yet we seemed to always be short, so I wanted to help with that.
Unfortunately, any money I made was basically eaten up by monthly parking rents, fuel, and the after-school care. But it got me out of the house, and I was able to meet new people. It was here when I met a strong godly-man who was able to help me on my then recently found path back to Christ and God. Eventually though, costs of nearly everything rose and I was in the hole with any pay I received. It actually worked out, because it was a temp contract position that was finishing anyhow.
God really doesn’t work in such mysterious ways.
Being at home full-time again was actually helpful for all involved, and there were a couple of us who had gotten pretty ill and was on bedrest for some time. Eventually, I was diagnosed with MS, but after my own research and changes within my lifestyle (which also was helping the entire family), I began feeling well enough, though my disease was still progressing.
Though he was physically present, and a decent provider, he wasn’t with us.
And it had always been that way. I just continued to pray that He would soften his heart and bring him to see his family as a unit who not only loved and cared about him, but needed him as the head of the household. There was so much distance. He was annoyed by everything. Nothing was ever good enough. The children were considered by him to be a nuisance. His infidelity continued. His physical, emotional and verbal abuse toward everyone was becoming worse.
Walking on eggshells, waiting to see how his mood was.
I was so frustrated with myself because I promised myself I would never get into this type of relationship again, and here I was 14 years later, in the longest abusive relationship of my life, outside of my father (which, happily, I can say, is a more positive dad-daughter relationship!). How did I allow it to get as far as it did for as long as it did? Will damage be worse for the children’s emotional well-being by leaving, or by staying?
I continued to pray for guidance. I didn’t believe in divorce. I didn’t want my children to go through what my sister’s and I had to witness and deal with from our parents’ divorces. I continued to feel compelled to filing for separation, but I didn’t think God would seriously encourage that. Until one afternoon, my ex completely wigged out. He began his drinking early afternoon.
My oldest had moved out a couple months before this happened. At the age of 17. He was angry with me because I wasn’t able to stop his step-father. I had a couple of restraining orders against him because of how he treated my son, but also because of things he had said to me…his anger…I had legitimate fear of the man. But he had been emotionally abusing me and mentally destroying me for so many years, I was weak, and I wasn’t strong in the Word. I tried to do what I can. I had even gone to my previous pastor’s for help, to no avail.
I wasn’t going to lose another child because of the abuse. I was done.
At that time I truly had zero clue how I was going to get through this. I didn’t have any income of my own (I had only recently began my Herbalife business), no resources, no place to go (I had been living on my own from my parents since I was 16), no help from the state or government (I had already been denied Disability and SSI at this point).
The place we were living in had our lease good only until that April. I was worried, because with no money, and having relied upon my husband for his financial support, which he knew and liked to hold against me, I really had no place to go, and didn’t want to have to bring my kids with me to a shelter. I had to do that with my mom and sisters when I was in my early teens, and it was really tough.
My mom came through and to the rescue!
She had just purchased a duplex with my sister, and although each unit was a 2 bdrm, my mom offered her second bedroom to the children and I. She also had been living on her own for quite some time, though she has stayed with both myself and my oldest sister for periods of her transition time.
Or did she?
It was a tight and uncomfortable situation for all. My mom became verbally and emotionally abusive toward my children and myself. I was saving every dime I could and looking for places near the kids schools I would be able to afford. I didn’t want to bring my children from one abusive environment to another.
And now years later…
So many ups and downs. Allowing myself to get back into old, and bad, habits and to give in to Satan’s temptation. Falling flat on my face. Believing and trusting in God to provide, which He always has and always will. But as soon as things were going good, I would literally become so “busy” and focused on every other aspect of my life, except where it counted.
Each time I have “taken a break” from being in His Word, whether from busy-ness or illness, I began to lose touch with Him. And then, of course, His blessings to me began to slowly fade away…because my acting faith was laying down on the job.
Sometimes it takes multiple times of doing the same wrong thing, just getting slightly different negative results, before we finally stop, think, reflect, pray, and realize, how absolutely lost we truly are in the world without His presence near and within us.
It’s time for a permanent, and positive change.
I’m done with getting knocked down a few pedestals more each time I put every one and every thing above Him. You’d think I would have learned by now, and hopefully this time it’ll stick and stay with me, within my heart and soul, for my remaining days on this planet.
Realize how blessed you truly are. I certainly have. And honestly, things look so much more beautiful when you look at the smallest of things as the blessings they are.
Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”